The Open

I did the last CrossFit Games Open workout on Saturday morning at CrossFit Costa Mesa along with almost 200 of my closest friends.  Even my sister and brother-in-law and parents visiting from out of town were there.  I didn't want to do it, but I did.  I debated internally with myself about whether or not it was even worth it.  I knew I wouldn't do well on it and it really didn't want to embarrass myself in front of my gym mates.  I haven't been CrossFitting consistently for a good 6 months, no maybe even a year or more.  I always have excuses; I'm focusing on yoga, I travel too much, I'm not really that good at CrossFit, I'm not even sure I like it half the time, I'm too busy, etc. etc.  I was guilted into signing up for the Open again this year, committing myself to publicly announcing my below average scores online for the whole world to see.  While I dreaded every workout, I did them.  Some were better than others, but this last one hurt.  It hurt my body and it hurt my ego.  Ego has always been an issue for me.

Since I began CrossFit I've always compared myself to other people and I continue to get frustrated when I can't do something that I think I should be able to or used to be able to do.  I grew up playing sports.  I was always active.  I was never the best at anything (with the exception of my one shining year when I was voted "most athletic" freshman year of high school and MVP of my basketball team that same year) ;-).  I was also pretty good at most sports, just never exceptional.  I worked hard, I was great at the fundamentals, but sometimes lacked aggression and often felt limited by my endurance or lack thereof.  Nevertheless, I was an athlete.  I stopped being an athlete for a good solid 10 years or so after high school until I started CrossFit.

So back to the Open, 14.5.  I knew it was going to be ugly.  I knew I was going to be slow.  I just didn't want to finish last.  I didn't want the entire gym to crowd around me, cheering me on as I was the last one on the floor in my heat finishing the workout.  Well, that's exactly what ended up happening.  It was kind of a blur, I could sense that there were a lot of people surrounding me, I could faintly hear voices of encouragement and clapping, but I wasn't really aware.  I was just going through the motions, trying to complete all 168 reps.  The clock was ticking and I was the only one still working.  I wanted to give up.  I wanted to stand up and walk away from my bar and run out the front door.  I bit my lip, trying to fight back tears.  I heard Molly's voice tell me to "make myself proud"  and not to give up.  She told me the only way to get out of this was to finish.  There was no time cap on this workout, so I could have been there all day.  I glanced up at the clock and realized that I might be able to complete the work under 30 minutes which was technically when my heat was supposed to end.  I didn't want to delay the flow of the rest of day's heat schedule and I really just wanted to be done so I decided to finish.  I think I was on 6's at that point so I still had 6 thrusters, 6 bar facing burpees, 3 thrusters, and 3 bar facing burps left.  My legs felt like jello and I was sure they were just going to give out on me any minute.  Of course they didn't and I completed my last rep at 29:14.  My husband ran over to hug me as I laid on the floor.  I could tell he was really proud of me.  Sometimes it's hard for me to understand that.  I looked up and saw 10-20 smiling faces, my CrossFit friends clapping for me and telling me "great job!"  Why?  It was certainly not an impressive performance.  It just took me almost 30 minutes to do a workout that many people finished in half that time or less.  I was a little choked up at that point.  I'm sure I looked like was going to cry.  I had mascara mixed with sweat dripping down my face.  I was a mess.  BUT, I finished 14.5.  I finished the Open.  I completed all 5 workouts (but forgot to enter scores for 14.3 & 14.4).  I didn't do very well on any one of them, but I didn't quit.

The bottom line is, that feeling of embarrassment I was so afraid of, that uncomfortable moment when all eyes were on me, cheering me on as I was the last one to finish, actually did feel pretty awesome.  People were legitimately proud of me for finishing.  No one was judging me.  My CrossFit Costa Mesa family was lifting me up when I was putting myself down.  That's why I love CrossFit.